I’m a “horrible” Christian.


For the longest time I compared my relationship with the Lord with everyone around me and everyone on social media. I’m talking about ALL the things, my peeps.


For example: Que a friend posting her heartwarming experience of waking up at 5 am to watch a beach sunrise and have her morning devo. I immediately compared and believed I was lacking. So, in my insecurity, I set my alarm for 4:45, Bible bedside ready, shoes by the door, and cut scene to me clicking snooze and sleeping in way past when Chik Fil A breakfast was available. I woke up already defeated by the day and thought I was a sad excuse for a Christian.

Dramatic? (FOR SURE) -  but that has genuinely been the label I have carried with me over the years. 


I could go on and on about the countless other comparisons and name games I have compiled in my brain. But interestingly enough, none of these things have ever had anything to do with who God says I am... with where He leads me, or where I am today.


It wasn’t until recently, when I was crying to a friend about what a horrible Christian I am, and the fact that it had been a long time since I had journaled, or read the Bible that still small voice came and said, “Just be with me.” No comparison, no attempting to live up to an expectation I’ll never live up to. Simply put; just be.


I was so exhausted by what I was not, I never considered simply being. So that’s what I did. In my rawest form, I got comfortable on the couch, listened in the silence, and just sat there to be with Him. And somehow I fell asleep. A sweet, quiet, and dreamless sleep. And friend, let me tell you, I woke up more rested and more full than I can last remember.


Feeling fully embraced and known in my own unique way.


Life right now for me is learning that my relationship with the Lord won’t look like my friend’s, waking up at the crack of dawn, or like the one that creatively journals for hours a week. Right now it’s learning to sit in silence and just be. Learning that I’m not a horrible Christian,

but a human in need of daily grace and time with her Father in a way that’s unique to me. 


I overcomplicate things a lot. I love how the Lord meets me at the least complex places of my heart. On the couch and just being. 

Just Being
by Hannah Bouck

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