MOVING FORWARD â—½ ENCOURAGEMENT
I Want to Live
by Pam Charro
Ezekiel 16:6 Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood, I said to you, "Live!"
When I was a little girl, I was mad. I didn't know why yet, but I often had intense reactions when I felt hurt or frustrated. It has taken me many years to better understand myself and control all of that emotion, but there was definitely a fighter in me at a very young age.
However, as I approached my teen years, the sadness and feeling of powerless began to intensify, and depression set in. Not only was I still mad and sad, but there didn't seem to be anywhere to direct all of it except inward. I felt betrayed, rejected, and helpless. What was the point of living except to continue experiencing all of this pain, for which there was no cure? I would tell you that I wanted to die except I instinctively knew, even at 13, that I would continue to exist if I took my own life. So death was not an option.
As I grew older, I continued looking for hope, but found I was destroying my own life in the process. The anger kept hurting me and anyone I began to get close to. I wanted to dream, to have joy, to succeed in life; but nothing I experienced was ever good enough. I still didn't see the point of all of the difficulty, and, in my desperation, I made bigger and more destructive mistakes.
I'm grateful to God that he revealed himself to me when I was only 24, but I still had to struggle with anger and insecurity after that. I continued to feel sad and lash out at the people I loved, and I still doubted my own value. My heart was still broken, and I didn't even realize how victimized I felt by my own pain.
But something new began to develop in me as I learned to agree with God's perspective. I realized that my enemy was not myself, other people, or even life! I had a true enemy who really did try to destroy me, and I started to see him for the bully and liar that he was. How dare he steal my life from me?! God is the one who put me here, and he said it was very good. I have important work to do and gifts to give to this world, and it will be better as a result of my existence. Because of that truth, I can find meaning and enjoyment in life, and I can love myself and others. The journey is worthwhile.
I still have days that I feel I barely survive. It's tough here! But I have fewer and fewer days when I feel like a victim if all of it. I'm not only winning the battle over depression, but I'm continuing to push back at the lies of the enemy when he whispers that I don't have a reason or right to be here. I know that God put me here on purpose, and I agree with him that it's good.
I want to live. I'm going to live.