SIMPLE TRUTHS ◽ ENCOURAGEMENT
As I was on the phone with a friend, I approached a 4-way stop. The person across from me was next, but they hesitated so I started to go, but then stopped and waved the rightful person with the right of way to proceed. As I was doing so, I mentioned the situation to my friend and shared with her that I was becoming the very thing I hated.
I have this thing about people not waiting their turn as stop signs.
I have always viewed it as them taking something that is not theirs, and I detest takers. So…I started taking what was someone else’s to keep that someone from taking what I felt was mine.
I shared this in a prior article and shared that the root cause is from my childhood where my parents took things that were mine and gave to them to my siblings. Therefore, deep in me, I have allowed the enemy to use this root to steal away my joy - in the blink of an eye. Years ago I became aware of this and made a conscious effort to break this mentality. The initial reaction still rises up in me on occasion, but I squash it quickly. I have also begun to realize that in order to prevent it from happening…I have become what I hate.
This made me examine and identify other areas of my life where my past has led me to become someone I am less than proud of, in that area. I would like to say there were no others, but unfortunately I can’t. The echoes of a father’s word, words meant to hurt, words meant to demean from one of the two people who were supposed to love me unconditional. The million pieces of shattered dreams, dreams of being a wife, dreams of having a partner in life to raise the children we both so eagerly wanted. Dreams shattered by rejection and violence. These and many more come together to create the threads of fabric of a lie that became all too real to me: I am unworthy. This lie became the foundation upon which I would go on to build my life for many, many years.
I just finished reading a three-book series about a female detective who was working in the sex crimes division. The character is everything I love about female characters. She is strong, fierce and broken. I found I like to read series because I can follow the story of the main characters as they grow from what they are to individuals that overcome their shortcomings and limitations and become better versions of themselves.
In this particular series, the lead character discovers she is not who her parents tell her she is. Intertwined in this story is the beginning of a new relationship. She goes on the quest to discover who she is and how she ended up placed in an anonymous box for unwanted children at the age of four. In the course of doing so, she makes choices that cost her career. In the final book, she struggles to create a new life for herself that does not include being a detective, which she loved and also played a huge role in defining who she was. She does this by working toward a PI license and takes on a case that in the end reveals to another character that she too had a life that was built around lies - shattering the character’s life as she knew it. In a conversation between the two, the question is asked,
“What matters, then?” “What truly matters if life is built on lies?”
In which the lead character replies, “Truth matters.”
In the beginning of the story the main character was starting to struggle with her life. At the end of the story, she was happy, truly happy, for the first time in her life.
This story depicts a perfect picture of what a life built on the lies of the enemy looks and feels like, compared to a life built on the truth of God’s word. You see, the emotions of what happened to me at a 4-way stop sign had nothing to with the action of my mother taking my hard earned money and using it to buy clothes for my brother for college. It had to do with the lies that the enemy was able to get me to build my life upon. Lies that I am not worthy, that I am less than, that I don’t deserve the best, because the clothes I had to settle for were cheap clearance item clothes.
So the task ahead of me is more than not becoming what I hate at a 4-way stop, it is also about the hurt of a fathers words, and the pain of rejection. I have had decisions to make, to tear down the lies of the enemy that I have built my life around and to seek truth, God’s truth, about who I am. I can rebuild my life around that truth, or continue to have a life in some areas that are less than. Less than what God has for me, because He can’t make me let go of the lie. I have to choose to trade it in for His truth.
“I am unworthy” is the biggest lie, and it is the foundation of so many parts of my life. For the last month, I have been looking at the life I built upon it and now I am asking myself, “Is destroying it worth it? Does it matter now? It only affects me.” I would love to tell you that the answer is a resounding “Yes!” but I can’t. I can say, however, that it is a very strong “Maybe,” and every day it gets stronger and I know it will get to an affirmative, as I allow God’s truth to do the work it does on me in so many areas of my life; transforming me.
That is the choice we all have to let God exchange our bad for His - oh so amazing - GOOD.
What choice will you make?