INNER STRENGTH â—½ YOU
What kind of bond did you have with your sibling when you were a child?
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Sometimes, love hides, and as a parent it’s important to know the best way to bring it out without forcing it. It’s tricky when you have two boys with very different personalities. Matthew likes to play outside, pretend play, and be silly while Brendan is perfectly content playing video games, watching movies, and programming his robots. Matthew has used me as a buffer in asking Brendan to play with him. Brendan can be quick to say no, so Matthew figures Brendan can’t say no if I tell him to play with Matthew. It’s not fair to Brendan to be told to play with his brother, so what do I do?
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Part of the role I take on as a mom is, and has been, to model and teach the boys how to communicate with each other in a healthy productive way. Figuring out how to do that has been a slow process, I will admit. Sometimes I feel like the boys and I learn together. That’s what creates a bond, right? At first, I incorporated outdoor time into our daily schedule which set up opportunities for Matthew and Brendan to play together. Come
to find out, it wasn’t that simple. “Playing together” and “playing with me” look different for Brendan than Matthew. A lot of that comes from the different perspective Brendan has in social interactions.
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How do I fix it so that Matthew doesn’t continue to feel left out by his brother? I have learned and continue to learn a lot through communicating with school counselors and working with Brendan’s former ABA therapist who still offers caregiver training. There are so many strategies I have been taught that can benefit every child and parent. Here are some examples.
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To begin the day on a positive note, I will give the boys a head’s up, if you will, on what to expect for the day. For example, if I know that the weather will be bad in the afternoon so they need to have morning outdoor time instead, then I will tell them that ahead of time. Knowing what to expect, especially if it’s different than usual, is important, especially for someone with autism. That strategy is called priming.
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Another example of priming involves the use of a timer. Whether it’s the sound or the visual or both, it is another tool to increase the likelihood that the expectation of what’s to come will be met. In Matthew’s case, it’s time with his brother outside. As I mentioned previously, it’s not just about spending time together that’s important for siblings to do. It’s creating a bond. As much as Matthew wants to run outside immediately after the timer goes off, I use the “first, then” strategy. I tell him, “First, you and Brendan need to come up with a plan, then you can go out and do it.” After different attempts, the boys figure out that they have the most fun playing together when they each choose something they want to do before ever going outside. They also learn that when they listen to each other, they have more fun. Imagine that! We all need that!
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Healthy communication, including listening, is not easy to learn and do. It is a process. It’s worth all the inner strength it takes, however, because the bond that is formed is priceless!