AFTER 40 YEARS â—½ MARRIAGE
A Kinder Way
by Marcy Lytle
Early years of marriage, I don’t recall trying to stifle my comments or what I had to say, probably ever. Neither of us did. We said what we liked and didn’t like and apologized later, when we realized we probably could have conveyed our feelings in a nicer way. We were young in age, young at heart, and young in wanting what we wanted…
​
Fast forward to now (and I do mean, wow, the years have flown) and we both find ourselves trying to communicate in a more kinder fashion, because hurting each other just isn’t an option we want to choose any more. We don’t want to stay up until early morning discussing some topic that we vehemently disagree about. Instead, we want to enjoy the gift of each other daily…because life is fast!
​
Choosing a kinder way for me…
​
I find that taming my tongue might be the hardest part of marriage, for me. I have always felt like if I don’t say it, I can’t get over it, no matter how little or small the irritation might me. And really, that’s just been my excuse to correct and belittle. And neither of those choices makes my husband feel good. However, as I’ve gotten older, taming my tongue is now a choice I really want to make, unless I’m saying something encouraging!
I find that grabbing his hand and squeezing it tight works to stave off a fight. Sometimes, I’m just irritable and don’t want to be touched, when he places his hand on my leg. Why? I don’t know, it’s just silly. So if I press through that and grab his hand and look into his eyes, he smiles, I smile back, and that irritation is gone.
​
I find that saying thank you a lot more than why didn’t you, goes a long way for a pleasant evening at home or a night out. Finding things to thank him for is not hard, when I purpose to do it. And something changes in my heart when I see the gift he is, instead of looking for what’s missing or what he didn’t do.
​
I find that praying for my husband works wonders, and I don’t even have to say a word to him. Funny, how that truth works, even when I think I have to say something to help God out. Often, I just pray about whatever it is, and it either goes away (because it was silly) or God gives me patience or speaks to him.
​
I find that cozying up instead of scrolling my phone or staying busy in the house settles both of our hearts and creates a bond and a love that then makes us feel like dancing for a minute or two before we go about our day, or head off to bed.
​
I find that giving to him without expecting him to reciprocate in like manner is pure gold. Often I don’t see his giving because I place the list of gifts on a list, of which I want him to use. But when I choose to see the way he’s bent, the way he gives, my heart sings instead of pines.
​
Do I choose a kinder way every single day? No way. I fail miserably some days. But I will say that I’m much sadder and more quickly to repent these days than I did way back then. There are so many changes that occur over time in a marriage, ones we don’t even see happening, until we feel ourselves slipping away.
​
But choosing a kinder way, with His help, really revives a marriage to the status of new love, even better than that love we had in the beginning. So I’m headed toward that path in my marriage of choosing kindness. It’s always better. And His kindness to me enables me to do it. And on the days I am so unkind and mean? There’s always mercy and grace for me, and for that I’m so thankful that I have another day to choose a kinder way.