COUSIN MOMS â—½ TIPS
“I want what he has.”
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“Her room is so big!”
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“Gosh, I wish we could get a new car!”
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Our kids look and notice what they’re missing, and some days we just want to tell them no and send them away. Other days, we feel the same way and wish we too had what others have. So, what’s a parent to do?
Well, it’s not easy…
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Charissa
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Our girls are young and in school and have lots of friends, so there are things they see that they don’t have. This causes jealousy and then they hope to have those things, as well. But even as adults, we do have the same mind frame to try and “keep up with the Jones” as we wish for this or that. So we have to focus our thoughts, too, to be thankful for what we have.
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When one of our girls wants something she doesn’t have, for financial reasons, or they’re not ready to have that item, we ask what we do have to be thankful for.
We look at the blessings of a roof, clothes, food, and all of those necessities we take for granted that some kids don’t even have. We break it down to the things we need, and we have those. We are thankful, instead of wanting that which we don’t have.
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One example is that both of our older girls have friends with cell phones, so that’s a hot topic. For our family, we are not ready for our girls to have a phone, and then they ask why we explain. We remind them that we do have other friends whose kids don’t have phones, so we talk about how families are all different. Each one has their own values and financial budget, are in different stages of life, and not everyone is the same. But as their parents, we remind them that we are raising them, and we focus on good reasons why some do and some don’t have a particular thing. We explain how we feel, for them to wait and become responsible, first.
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Our girls also ask for a dog. We have a few outside farm animals but don’t have an inside dog. We remind them at this point in our life, it doesn’t work to have an inside dog, but maybe later when they’re older it will. We are so involved in other things, so we don’t have the time to care for another thing! It’s all in the timing, and maybe one day a dog we will get!
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Some friends have a hot tub or a pool. We tell the kids how that’s a big ticket item, and we can go places to enjoy like a park or a hotel, but not have to take care of ourselves. Maybe one day we might get one, but working hard for necessities is what we do right now.
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Lots of good conversations take place when they see what they want, but then we talk about what’s best for us and being thankful for what we have. And we don’t have to compare with others.
Kamrin
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Talking to our kids about what their desires and wants that other kids have is not easy. Of course, we’d love to give them everything. But even as adults, we don’t get to have all that we want! And the truth is that the desire to have more doesn’t change as we grow up. It just changes from video games and toys, to cars and a house. We have to model as a parent the right attitude. However, there are also hard conversations like when we put money towards something that the kids then question. Why did I get a chair but they didn’t get a PS5?
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When our kids used to say they wanted this or that, something a friend had, we just said a flat out, “No.” Now we have deeper and longer conversations about gratefulness and the why. And then giving them money and teaching them the value of a dollar, needs vs. wants.
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Our boys are into baseball. And besides the basics, there are cool gloves and bags that are hundreds of dollars, cleats that are unique colors – it’s ridiculous! Gear is expensive! They will say they need this or that, and we talk about what they need to play well. If they want the latest and greatest, then they can save up…and they have! And sometimes, they forget about it, because they don’t want to spend their own money.
It’s not easy for us, either. I have to pay a water bill and not get a new car, because we have to get groceries! And I don’t want to say that we sacrifice, but rather it’s a joy to get what we need and put aside the wants. It’s a privilege to get what we have, instead of wanting what others have. We try to represent a balance, so that we instill gratitude while we also say no.
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Our daughter is very creative and needs space for that creativity, but we don’t have a huge house! We downsized a few years ago, and I would love a bigger space as well! But we have a blessing in having our home. She might say her friend has the largest room ever, and I encourage her to look at what she does have. Eventually, the kids see their blessings when we put value on what we have.
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Our kids put 2-3 huge items on their Christmas lists, and we didn’t get those giant ones, but chose smaller ones. They did sound disappointed but we had to talk about what they did get. We explained how we enjoy family time opening gifts. They came back and said they loved the gift and family time as it is…and that made my heart happy.
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Our kids watch us more than they listen. And conversations are key. And while our kids do notice what they don’t have, they are confident in themselves and who they are. They’re learning to not look at him/her but to just focus on their own likes and move forward!
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Finally, by no means use the word “broke” in labeling your family. Of course, we fail as parents sometimes. I want things for my house and love buying décor that I see on line! And then we check our hearts, too, when we buy Starbucks just after we told the kids that we have no money. Kids will call us out! So we grow together as a family…as we want and yet have…so much…and that’s a blessing.