PRACTICAL PARENTING â—½ HOME
Consequences
by Marcy Lytle
I watch young parents navigate parenthood now and I feel for them. We live in a world where we are watched by those around us, we hear horror stories of discipline gone wrong, and want so badly to raise our kids to be loving adults, while we love them in the best way when they’re little.
​
I was spanked a few times when I was growing up, by my mom, mostly! She picked a belt and swatted me for what seemed to me to be the most insignificant things – like not being still! I remember my dad taking his plastic comb and thumping me on the side of my head when we were getting ready for church, if I misbehaved. That smarted! Perhaps both of those would be frowned up on today and seen as child abuse, and maybe it was…I don’t know. But I’m here and still alive and have never once thought back to those acts of discipline and seen them as ruining my psyche or my heart. But yeah, I didn’t do those things with my kids.
​
I remember when my kids were small, time out was a big thing. We sat our kids in the corner until they were ready to apologize and move forward. I had a friend who knew a lady that drew a line in her kitchen with tape and wouldn’t allow her kids to cross it. Remember the kids in school that had to write an affirmative statement of good behavior when they did something wrong? Maybe like 100 times?
So parents of young children, I feel for you. Discipline and child-rearing has changed over the decades and some things have changed for good, and other things are still evolving…because parenting these kids that run off, disobey, act out – it’s hard stuff! And every child is different in how they receive discipline. I had one child that enjoyed being yelled at by coaches, and responded to that just fine. My other child cringed when someone yelled, and it hurt them to the heart.
​
What are young parents to do, when it comes to offering consequences for bad behavior? I’m thinking you could read a different book every day of the year by different authors, all with slight variations on what works and what doesn’t. And then next year, there will be new ideas.
​
However, here are a few of hard and fast “rules” that you might consider, ones that have stood the test of time:
​
Disciplining out of anger is never good. We make threats we can’t keep and don’t mean, later. We might use our hand in a way that is harmful and hurtful, if we’re correcting when we’re angry. So if anger is present when our children disobey, it’s best to calm down and sit down and offer consequences when the steam is gone.
​
Praying about your specific children is good. I believe God will guide the sincere parent when picking consequences. Some children aim to please, so if they disobey it hurts their heart that they disappointed Mom and Dad, and a stern word is enough. Other kids need LOTS of explaining and tough love. Ask God for creative ways to lovingly steer your kids back to obedience.
​
Be consistent. If you say you’re going to take away TV time or play time, then do it. Kids learn quickly whether or not Mom and Dad’s word mean anything at all. If you said no to that and then the other parent says yes, it sends mixed signals and causes a rift between Mom and Dad. Be united and consistent.
​
Listen and learn, but don’t be a copycat just because. Maybe your friends discipline one way and you feel “less than” because you don’t operate like they do. Consider, but don’t copy. Yes, learning and trying is good, but copying, just because, is not good.
​
Ask for help. Don’t ask someone who’s judgmental or someone that’s never had kids. Ask someone who will honestly pray and listen and encourage you as you discipline. Some kids require a lot more strategy as they are a lot more challenging. Challenging is hard, but that’s okay. Needing and asking for help is wise and mature.
​
Read if you will, but always be still. Settle your own soul and be still and discipline with love, rather than react in the moment. Yes, you might need to snatch and save a kid from harm in the moment. But you can delay the consequence until everyone has settled down. Allow time for stillness, so that both can hold each other when it’s time to talk.
​
Encourage yourself and others. Unite with your spouse, or a friend, or someone that’s in your corner and offers you encouraging words. When you see other friends who parent well, or who are struggling, offering kind words and prayers. No one needs a shaking finger.
​
Parenting is hard, and it always will be. And you will make mistakes. We all do. But God covers our kids all the time, and heals and builds us up as parents, and loves our children, as we grow together and navigate from year to year!