COUSIN MOMS â—½ TIPS
Mom of Three
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If I’m being honest, date nights – going out – are few and far between. We were in a season for a long while where we really didn’t want to leave the kids, because free nights were few, and we wanted to include them. Date nights are definitely important, but there is also a balance. For us, we do a good job of connecting on a daily basis – at night when the kids are asleep we chat and talk. Other times, we get a random night when kids are at a sports practice or with grandparents. This past season, while the kids were in school, my husband and I had lunch together because we both work at home! I do know that having time with him, dating him, is important. But only “date night” connections every so often is not enough, and we also have a budget, but day-to-day connections work as well.
It’s the day to day connections where we chat and spend time over coffee, or even a ride in the car to pick up the kids, that works for us! Our date nights don’t have to be big or fancy or every week. They can be a simple lunch or a shopping excursion to pick out wood floors for the house!
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When we do have a designated date night, we often stay in (to save money). We watch a show we enjoy together, and have dinner at home, and make it cozy. If we do go out, it’s a coffee date for sure – and sometimes bowling! Our love language is coffee, and we sometimes play a game. We don’t visit the theater a lot, because we watch enough shows at home. We like to go somewhere that we can talk and do something, or even just walk around!
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Sometimes we plan our dates nights together, or sometimes we surprise each other – especially on birthdays.
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So both – date nights out and daily connections – are a great balance for us! I’ve been so grateful for this season. Finding time with toddlers is hard, but now that the kids are in school we have more time. We also love to serve together, and call that connection, because we are super compatible that way!
Friendships
by Charissa & Kamrin
It’s a new year, time to start fresh again, and perhaps there are strains with our kids that we put on hold for the holidays…and now life has to start up again. This time we’re looking at friendship among our kids and how it’s hard to know how to navigate and set boundaries, yet encourage bonds that might last a lifetime. Raising our kids to be friendly and maintain friendships is hard.
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So here’s some honest sharing from Kamrin and Charissa:
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Kamrin
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Friendships are definitely hard to manage, at any age. And we have had to talk through things differently with our daughter and our sons. Add in their different personalities, and it’s hard! So, conversations with our kids are important. And also, listening to them. We teach them to be kind and speak and to be respectful, even though they don’t get along with certain kids. And that might make them think they “have” to stay in a friendship that is not good for them. We sometimes swing the pendulum one way too far, and we need to stay balanced.
We have no problem telling our kids to take a break sometimes from a friendship, without being rude. But walking away or distancing from not texting, and choosing other friends, is sometimes healthy. But, they are not to be disrespectful, and to continue kindness.
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If a friend is causing problems, we try to teach our kids how to handle it themselves. But sometimes, if it’s still a problem, we encourage them to talk to a teacher, and then if that doesn’t work, we step in. Hard things with friends is to kindly ask that person to stop, in a nice way. If it’s a toxic friendship, our kids are welcome to take a break. Only one time, we actually had to call the school because of a kid that continued to make fun of our son. Our son did talk to the kid first, then we talked about choices, but then we had to talk to the principal.
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On smaller scales, there is always drama with friends. We try to listen and see where they themselves have escalated the problem and how they can handle the situation themselves. We have conversations and make sure that our kids feel heard, but boundaries are okay. We also talk about how friendships change as interests change, and they don’t see each other as often. Sometimes, gossip runs wild and causes division, so we talk about not engaging in gossip. And sometimes, prayer and love is the way to work through it! Friendships change as our kids age, so there’s not a cookie cutter answer to friendship. It helps to look at things through a higher perspective. And often, we can learn to not take offense, when some things we can just let go.
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Finally, however, some friendships are worth fighting for, through silly things that annoy. But if the relationship is negative and toxic, it’s okay to walk away and grow apart. And we have to do this with character and respect, integrity and kindness.
Charissa
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Our girls are 9, 7 and almost 3, so their friendships are still blossoming. The biggest challenge that we do have is when a new year starts and some friends are not in their class. Our oldest was in a new class and her friends were in a different class. We do talk about how friends come and go, and how some friends will be with you all of life. This was an opportunity to expand and meet new friends! We just encourage our girls to:
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Be the friend you want someone to be to you.
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Be kind and humble.
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Compromise and share.
We talk about what to look for in a friend. And when a friend is mean we talk about how we live in a broken world and we all act out sometimes. How do we then move forward, though?
​In reality, I’m sure things will get tougher as they get older, but right now it’s just teaching the girls how to be a friend and what to look for in a friend. We try as parents to make sure that we are in tune with who our girls are hanging out with. We want them to surround themselves with friends that push them to be their best person.
We want to guide them into good friendships and talking through hurts, together.
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We have God on our side and we have the hope in us to shine our light. Friends are a vital part of who we are and how we develop!