I counted the cost before deciding to follow Christ, but it didn't really occur to me that I would have to keep surrendering over and over. No matter what. Otherwise, a thin, icy wall would begin to divide my heart from His, and I would have a hard time making eye contact with Him during our morning meetings (yes, that may have happened once or twice).

 

Despite having been through all of that, this feels different. I don't think I'm doubting or resenting Him. I'm just ... sad. It's so hard sometimes when I know that I'm about to go through several life changes, and I can see what I'm losing, but not what I will gain. After having been a Mom for over 31 years, my youngest will be graduating from high school soon, and I won't be living with any of my children anymore. I believe it will then be time for me to move away after my daughter graduates, either to live nearer to my other children, or to move in with my Mom to take care of her. When I look in the mirror, I see an older woman every day; I'm blessed, but it's become obvious that I'm approaching the final third of my life here on earth. I haven't even had a date in over a year, and facing so much of the unfamiliar would seem a lot less daunting if i had the support of a partner. It's a lot of loneliness and letting go, and I sometimes feel empty thinking about it. And even a little scared. And that's okay.

 

Grieving isn't sinful or based on lack of trust.

It's simply being honest,

and God appreciates that.

 

I know that God is good, and He will have new good for me in my next season, and whatever hardships lie ahead will build me into the woman I was created to be. I don't want to miss any of what will be next, but I'm also going to watch the next 18 months with my eyes wide open, taking in every moment until my youngest flies the nest and enjoying dear friends and family until my next new adventure begins. God will be with me through all of it, and I'll process it with him. With tears of both sadness and joy.