UNDPREPARED ◽ ENCOURAGEMENT
Affirmation
by Marcy Lytle
You know the word. It’s one we learn early on, it’s something we seek all of our lives, and when it doesn’t come…well…we’re a mess. By definition, the word affirmation is a formal declaration that something is true, or a positive statement of support, validation, and encouragement. And from the time we’re born and hear our parents’ first words, we’re either on our way to being a healthy, affirmed individual…or not.
In a perfect world, we would have doting parents that validate who we are from the time we’re born, with words of encouragement and love…always. But parents are also products of the generation before them, and often they didn’t get the affirmation they needed, either. Therefore, it might be hard for them to give something they didn’t get. For example, parents can often project their own missing affirmations onto their kids, in the form of criticism and control. But, you already know this.
What about when we’ve lived several decades and we’re now in our second half of life or later, and we’re still struggling with words of affirmation, still longing for them, and still finding them so missing in our lives? It’s a hard pill to swallow when we realize that we still long for others to notice us and commend us and validate who we are and what we do. It can come out among our family members, sounding like this:
Y’all never invite me over, I never get to see your new things (said perhaps to grown children)
I didn’t have that when I was young, so why should you? (said in bitterness perhaps to the grands)
No one likes to be around me, and that hurts my feelings (said to ourselves when our kids don’t call)
That’s just a few thoughts or words that might slip off our tongues in disappointment that our kids or family have not affirmed us through the years, and now here we sit alone or estranged, bitter and pitiful, as we judge our kids for not filling that gap we never received when we were children, ourselves.
I’m pretty sure a lot of us grow into older years with this gap, words that should have been spoken over us but never were, and even hurtful words that tore us down instead of building us up. And once we realize this, what are we to do?
Honestly, the only One whose affirmation can heal the gaps and fill in with truth is Jesus. Remember the lyrics, “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so?” There is so much affirmation in those first few words, and then we sing YES – Jesus loves me – over and over again in the song. Healing affirmation only comes from knowing the truth that we are loved by Him. That is first and foremost in staving off bitterness we start to take on, when the kids aren’t as attentive as we want them to be.
Prayer is another key, and then release. If we truly feel our family is inattentive and even estranged, we can pray. We can ask God to show us any words or actions we’ve said or done to push them away, and then ask forgiveness. We can offer mercy to our kids and ask God to heal their hearts, too. And we can trust that He will help us while we wait for Him to do his good work in all of us.
We can surround ourselves with positive friends. Not ones that blow smoke in our faces with lofty words, but those who are confident in who they are in God and not seeking to smother others with their needs and wants. This is a hard one, especially if our circle of friends includes those who are downtrodden, discouraged and in despair. If that’s the case, then we can be the one who affirms, stands up and declares His love, and encourages all to forgive and trust again.
It’s hard to undo decades of disappointment in relationships where we should have been affirmed and we weren’t. Parents can miss the mark, divorce or betrayal can wound, and even the loss of a loved one can leave us feeling alone and in the dark.
There are plenty of verses in the Bible about how God sees us, how much he loves us, and how valuable we are to Him. And that should really be our only source of affirmation, when we’ve lived a long time seeking it from others. His word is powerful. His love is everlasting. His hand is strong and mighty. And we are the apple of His eye.