A DAY IN THE LIFEâ—½ ENCOURAGEMENT
I’m learning, slowly but surely, that even our quietest and seemingly unnoticed words hold power we don’t always recognize. I heard her say,“I’m breaking,” and in that moment, the world seemed to slow down around us. Her words were barely audible, almost like we imagined them, but they carried with them a weight that was indescribable. I could see it in her eyes…the exhaustion, the sadness, the quiet desperation of someone who had been holding herself together for far too long. It wasn’t just a bad day or an overwhelming event that pushed her to that point, though there were those, too. It was everything. It was the disappointments, the rejections, and the belief that she was not enough, no matter how hard she tried. It was the unseen failures, unspoken fears…the silent battles she fought every day that no one noticed...mostly because she’d learned to hide them well, even from herself.
She had been strong for so long, always putting on a brave face, a smile, and a laugh that while genuine, was meant to ease the worry of others, always saying she was fine because that’s the word most of us use to hide the truth behind. But this time, she couldn’t keep pretending. She was tired. Tired of carrying the weight of expectations of others though the heaviest ones were her own, tired of holding in the tears, of pretending she was okay when her heart was slowly shattering in a way that even she knew was irreparable. If you dared to look close enough though, the scars she’d hidden inside began to show on the outside as well.
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Hearing her say those words shook me in a way I didn’t recognize. My instinct was to try to fix it…to somehow make the hurt go away. But as I started trying to find a way to ease her pain and carry her until she could stand alone again…I realized that voice and those words were actually my own. I shook as I looked up to see the face in the mirror was my own reflection, but not one I recognized. I struggled to accept that the reality of that moment was mine.
Due to nothing short of divine intervention, I have the most amazing humans in my life. Some are connected by blood, but most are my chosen family. My husband, friendships that have lasted almost literal lifetimes, as well as some I’ve gained over the years. My children, my mom…even my daddy, who, though recently left us to be with Jesus, is still the presence I can feel even when I’m numb and feel most alone. My brother and sisters, sisters of the heart, bonus kids, and bonus parents I’ve been blessed to both love and be loved by for so many years – those who have seen me at my worst and still choose me anyway.
My first instinct when someone I love is hurting is to fix it, whatever their particular “it” happens to be. To somehow make the pain go away. But I realized in that moment that there are some things I can’t fix. Sometimes, the only thing I can do for and accept from others is merely to be present…to show up, and to sit through the pain, and every ugly tear.
I don’t have all the answers, and most likely, I never will. But I can try to offer myself the same grace I give others, to give myself permission and space to feel what I’m feeling, to take off my “It’s fine, I’m fine, we’re all fine” mask and be vulnerable despite the fear of judgment echoing in my head.
I’m usually the one who listens, especially when the rest of the world is too loud. It’s heartbreaking to watch someone you care about fall apart, especially when all you want is to see them whole again. But I never gave much thought to how those who know me felt to see me in my brokenness. However, I know that others are capable, willing and waiting to be my “Touching Tree”…my North Star…to shine their light so I can find my way home to myself.
“Sometimes, the most powerful act of love is simply standing beside someone as they begin, using shattered bits of who they were, along with others they’ve collected, to rebuild themselves…piece by fragile piece.”