MOVING FORWARD â—½ ENCOURAGEMENT
He is Near
by Pam Charro
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted,
and he saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Crying in the shower again this morning. And not just a little bit, but a torrential downpour that never seems to end. How many tears can I possibly cry over this same pain? I have been in therapy my entire life, since the third grade. But it still hurts so badly.
I know that God is good, and that he is faithful. He is powerful and able to do anything. He sees the beginning from the end, and works out all things for good. Not one of my tears will be wasted. It will all be worth it. But my struggle continues to be in believing that he is HERE right now, in the undignified middle. In my intense pain, where I have felt so all alone, does he really care about how I feel?
And, of course, my head screams YES! How could he not? He is love! But the little girl inside won't stop asking. After all of those lonely years, she still isn't sure.
I told my daughter this morning, "Honey, when you are little and defenseless and rightfully need someone who makes you feel rejected,
you naturally feel ashamed and angry. And the only person you can take that anger out on is yourself, as though you should be embarrassed for having needs. We tell ourselves, even subconsciously, that person who rejected us doesn't deserve one more tear, so, doggone it, I'm done crying! But the person we're actually taking it out on is the victim, the younger versions of ourselves. You and I both need to stand up to the lie that we must have deserved the abandonment somehow, because our little girls had a right to need those things. And the only way we will be set free now is to stop hating those little girls we once were."
I don't know how long it will keep hurting, but I do know that God hasn't brought new awareness of the depth of my pain without also bringing the intention of healing. I'm ready to go to the next level of believing that he is who he says he is, even though it is still so difficult for me to receive it. He is with me, and with my daughter, even as we grieve in the ugly black pain. Even in this not-so-bright-and-shiny moment. He has never wanted anything more than to be near.