ROOTED IN LOVEâ—½ HOME
Between the births of my two beautiful children, I had a miscarriage.
It was a painful day, both physically and emotionally, and it was also exhausting. I first went to the emergency room in the closest town to the ranch where we live, and they ended up sending me to the emergency room in a bigger city, which is about an hour and a half from our home. Because there was suspicion of an ectopic pregnancy, I had to stay in the hospital overnight, while my husband and daughter, who was not even two years old at the time, stayed in a hotel with just the few diapers we had in the car and the clothes they were wearing. They stayed with me as long as they could, but they eventually had to leave so they could rest.
I sat in that hospital bed all alone, weeping over the loss of my unborn child, listening to the cries of other babies who had just been born. Not understanding what had happened. Wondering if I’d done something wrong to cause this. Maybe it was punishment because I hadn’t been excited enough to be pregnant again. Perhaps I hadn’t taken good enough care of myself or done all the right things. Even though I knew none of that was true, those are the kinds of questions that run through your head in moments like that. Moments when things are falling apart and you don’t know what to do and you just want someone to fix it.
It was one of the loneliest nights of my life.
But even in the midst of my sorrow and loneliness and pain, I wasn’t really alone. God was there with me. I could feel His peace in my heart, even though it was shattered. Even though I was devastated, I knew this was somehow part of His bigger plan. I sensed the Holy Spirit surrounding me, holding me together, comforting me through my heartache. And that was the most beautiful thing.
Resting in the arms of my Savior was what got me through that night, and it’s what got me through the sadness in the days to come. I remember sitting on my bathroom floor, listening to Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns, letting my tears fall as I lifted my heart to Jesus. Praying for strength, comfort, peace, and joy. Begging Him for healing from the pain.
And I knew He was there. He was listening. He saw every tear I cried, and He was weeping right along with me.
In the moments when life doesn’t make sense – the moments when we’re falling apart and everything is out of control – we are never alone. Circumstances may be out of our control, but God is still on the throne. He is still good. He loves us and has a plan for us. Even when it hurts and we don’t understand, He is with us. He is holding us in His hands. His grace is sufficient for us, and His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).
Trials in life will happen. Seasons of heartache will come. Those things are hard, but they are also beautiful in their own unique way, because they enable us to rely on our Savior. They bring us closer to Him and deepen our trust in Him. They allow us to see His goodness – how everything in this life pales in comparison.
He is Lord of all. Let Him be Lord of your heart when it’s falling apart. He’ll never leave you or forsake you. Let His grace be enough.