UNEARTHLY THINGâ—½ ENCOURAGEMENT
I always thought I would have children and experience motherhood to its fullest extent, but my motherhood dreams were demolished by a three-pound fibroid tumor in my uterus.
When I was a little girl, I loved my baby dolls. Bathing, dressing, and feeding them was the majority of my playtime.
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As I got older, I imagined what I would name my kids, what they would look like, and how pregnancy would feel, growing a person inside you and giving life to another human being.
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But I am without biological children and will always be. All my adult life, I had a fibroid in my uterus. When the doctor found it, she said, “Keep an eye on it, and an eye out for cancer.” And then she left the room. What the what?
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She didn’t tell me pregnancy would not happen, which it didn’t. Twenty years in a loving marriage, and we didn’t actively practice birth control. I simply put children in God’s hands.
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Thirty years later, in 2021, extreme lower stomach pain prompted a trip to the ER at a local hospital. An hour later, after a scan and some blood tests, I was carted by ambulance to an oncology gynecology emergency room in downtown Nashville.
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Six days later, all my lady bits were removed. All of them. Not an ovary or fallopian tube anywhere. Which means an instant total lack of estrogen, which is a kind of hell for a different day.
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I have a step-child, who I am so grateful for, and who I got to be a mother to. But this beloved one lives far away, and children are not planned, which means no grandchildren for me either.
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I’m not here to host a pity party. But this Mother’s Day, it weighs on me.
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So what do I do with this? Self-pity is a useless emotional trap I have learned not to fall into. At 56 years old, I try to imagine what the rest of my life will be like being that a grandchild is highly unlikely. And if I outlive my husband, who will care for me in my old age?
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Should I get more cats? I only have one, and she is elderly, but truthfully, I am more of a dog person. Or will I be one of those fabulous older women who travels the world and lives to experience different places and cultures? Will my ever-present auto-immune disease allow me to do that? Or maybe God will heal me!
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My dreams for motherhood and eventual grandmotherhood are dead. Killed by a fibroid. I had spiritual daughters God gave me, but distance and time have dulled the relationships. They are grown up and have their own children. They have navigated life away from needing a spiritual mother.
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What now? Where is my hope?
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These thoughts were heavy on my heart recently during my time of prayer and gratitude with God. Since I needed to pick out another devotional plan on the YouVersion Bible app that I usually read during this quiet time, I decided to study the promises of God.
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The first words I read in my new devotional were: “I AM with you.” I reread it in the four follow-up verses suggested in the daily plan (see 1 Corinthians 10:13; Deuteronomy 31:6; Matthew 28:20; and John 14:17).
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Tears threatened to blur my vision. Children or not, I was not alone.
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I will be fine. It’s a good reminder that the Creator of the universe is right here with me, in my living room, with a sweet old black cat lounging on my lap while coffee is brewing in the kitchen.
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He is the God who has good plans for me whether I have a uterus or not.
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He has given me gifts to expand His kingdom, glorifying His sovereign name.
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That’s a lot.
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Then, God spoke to me about seeking fulfillment and purpose outside of having a family. Why was I convinced my life was incomplete because I did not have biological children? As a woman raised in the previous century, it was supposed of me and others of my generation that children were a prerequisite for my existence. But God doesn’t see it that way.
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So, the next time I wake up with a heavy heart or a burden on my mind, I must ensure that I see things the way God has them. I need to remember His promises and good plans for me. And most of all, I must remember He is always with me. He’s good like that. Blessings to you!
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Angela Dolbear is the author of contemporary Christian novels, such as THE GARDEN KEY Series and THE TORMENTOR’S TALE, as well as many short stories. Her latest release, The Mid-Century Breakfast Club, is the fourth book in The Garden Tales series and will be released in the Summer of 2025. Her novels are available on Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook formats. Angela writes real, relatable, and reverent fiction. She loves reading, writing prose, and writing and recording music with her husband Tim in their studio in Nashville, TN—listen to her new album STORMS on your favorite music streaming service. Please drop by and sign up for news, read the latest stories, and hear new original music at http://www.angeladolbear.com/subscribe.htm. Blessings to you!