Everyone is afraid of something at one time or another. It’s part of being human. We can’t always be confident. Life can shake us up sometimes and that’s okay. The important thing is to lean on a source of support to get back to honoring ourselves, loving ourselves, and providing self-care. I share this story because it’s taken me a long time to understand this to the degree that I do now. I am certainly not perfect at it, but when I do fall back into old patterns, it’s easier to recognize them and do so quickly, and then I have the tools to go back to healthier ways.

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To take it a step further, by being honest and showing people our boundaries, we are modeling for others what that’s like. Why is that important? Not everyone grows up knowing what taking care of ourselves through setting healthy boundaries looks like. Instead, we become people pleasers – saying yes to make someone else happy. In my case and that of my sisters, we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect that it kept us from having fun.

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When I was growing up, a lot of praise or criticism came from how my siblings and I performed. I mean performed in the literal sense as well as generally how we did in life. There are multiple memories from when I was child that have stuck with me.

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When I was about seven years old, I was in a baton twirling competition. I froze and forgot my routine shortly after starting. My mom stood right in front of me, whispering, “Do something.” I barely moved. The judges gave me a third place trophy which was nice of them. I wish my mom had given me space. Maybe then I could have relaxed. I know that no one is perfect and deep down she was just excited and wanted to watch. Sometimes, adults do not know that they are instilling anxiety in their kids.

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Another example happened when I was in sixth grade. I won second place in the spelling bee. Instead of being proud of me, my mom told me I could have spelled the word correctly if I had taken a breath. I immediately felt belittled, ashamed even. It was more than just knowing I had let her down. The room caved in on me. I remember going back to class with my head down. When I got to my class, all the kids and teacher clapped for me. My head lifted up and I managed a little smile. It meant a lot to me. It wasn’t the same, though, as wishing my mom had done the same thing.

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Jumping to the future of me as a mom, I am now teaching my kids to respect the words yes and no, and I am being honest with them and teaching them to be honest with each other.  I’m trying to model what developing healthy boundaries look like.

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For those of you that can relate to any of this, seek support, ask questions of professionals, look up videos, but most importantly give yourself grace, a little bit of time, and say yes when you mean yes. And it’s okay to say no when you need to say no.

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If I can do it, so can you!