MOVING FORWARD â—½ ENCOURAGEMENT
One of my favorite people in the Bible is Joseph in the book of Genesis. I've felt a strong attachment to him ever since I learned that he walked through so much of his life with an intensely broken heart. Despite having the favor of God on his life, he still had to endure betrayal, abuse, and horrendously unfair treatment from many of the very people who should have defended and protected him. And while none of those issues were able to thwart God's good plan for his life, he still had to process all of that pain. His story so stirs my heart, and his courage so impresses me. He is truly one of my heroes in the faith.
I have been aware of the brokenness of my own heart for most of my adult life. I've been in therapy since grade school, and becoming a believer in my mid-twenties has brought a tremendous amount of wisdom and healing into my life. But I have felt a gentle nudging fairly recently that God wanted to go deeper with me. I would love to tell you that I was quick to obey, but I have actually resisted it for the past several years, keeping myself "too busy" and refusing to journal, even though I knew the Holy Spirit was telling me I should. I knew my heart needed surgery, and I squirmed.
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photo courtesy of Doug Gephardt
But my need for the operation didn't go away just because I avoided it. He has been patient and kind, but I couldn't receive what he wanted to give until I obediently started journaling again. Once I did, old memories almost immediately came flooding back to me. Intensely painful ones that I wasn't sure I could face.
In Genesis, Joseph already has his high position when he is finally reunited with the brothers who betrayed him, but he didn't immediately tell them who he was. The Bible says he finally broke down and revealed that he was their brother, and that his wailing was so loud that the whole palace heard it. Then he forgave them and told them not to be afraid because he would take care of them all throughout the famine. He knew that God was in all of it and that it would ultimately be for good.
I see so many important keys here regarding my own healing and freedom.
1. I have to come in contact with the pain again in order to really let it go. I will never mentally figure it out, and dwelling on the injustice of it all will just make me mad. It won't be convenient or dignified, it has to be messy and painful and I will have ugly cry. But it won't last forever and I will eventually have the opportunity to let it go. But only when I'm brave enough to feel it again.
2. I must forgive my offender, no matter what. Not because they deserve it or I deserved the pain, but because I can't carry the poison around inside of me anymore. As my pastor said in today's sermon, "When you refuse to forgive your offender, you allow them to keep a piece of you," But when I let go of my need for my own definition of justice, I also let go of the power that the offense had in controlling me.
3. I must trust that, regardless of the reasons or motives my offender has for causing me such pain, God meant it for good. Every bit of it. He never rejected me, abandoned me, or betrayed me. He saw every minute of my pain, confusion and anger, and he knew those moments would eventually bring me to this one, where I'm sitting with him and becoming free. He has plans to shape all of it into a beautiful tomorrow if I will be brave enough to trust him and obey his instructions to not only forgive the one who deeply hurts me, but to also pray for him to be blessed. There was a day that I was someone else's offender, and I received mercy and total forgiveness from God when I needed it.
It feels like the most impossible thing in the world to face such a high wall of pain; that is why I need God's Word to get me through this process. He knows what happened. He cares about how I felt. He is the healer and bringer of life that I need now and for my tomorrows.
It's going to be good.