AFTER 40 YEARS ◽ MARRIAGE
The Holidays
by Marcy Lytle
Thinking of the holiday season without my husband has been gut-wrenching, and It’s made me work more on that “give me this day” type of attitude so that I don’t look too far ahead, but just focus on today. It’s hard, but it helps, when I can do it. Holidays with your partner can be some of the most fun times and stressful, too. But I mostly remember the fun.
We always made sure our calendar included fun outings, as many as we could accomplish! From plays, to holiday movies, to dates and day trips with friends. If there was a holiday happening around, we were there. I personally loved getting dressed up for any occasion, loved visiting the markets and loved the cooler weather and the coziness that the holidays bring.
So, let’s talk Thanksgiving. I remember early years of running around snapping at my husband as I made the dishes and got everything prepared. That got ugly, because I put way too much on my plate (no pun intended) and then poor Jon got the brunt of my frustrations. And then…over the years I mellowed and became more appreciative of all of his help, and more kind to myself, and breathed easier and lighter.
He always took off on Good Friday and we shopped until we dropped, all day long, for Christmas. Even now, with all of the online shopping available, we still found cool “specials” or “deals” to check out and purchase on that day. He never complained, and I loved having him along. He even missed football games to go with me. I never took that lightly and never failed to enjoy that day out with him, as we filled bags and carried them. (Well, he carried them. He was good like that.)
From Thanksgiving through the New Year, we celebrated life together. Every day was a celebration, actually. Some years, we tried our best to do something Christmassy every day in December, even if it was a small outing for hot cider, or a big concert or show. I am one celebratory person. I actually look for a reason to have fun!
Now that he’s gone and I’m still writing this column, my encouragement to all of us – those still married and those single like me – to enjoy your friends and your spouse and celebrate them. I’m hoping I can still fill my calendar with friends and merriment, alongside the ever so heavy ache in my chest. It’s hard sometimes. Even if you’re married, maybe your spouse is a couch potato or not into the constant fun, or maybe he is and you’re not. There are still ways to connect on some sort of common ground.
Here are a dozen ideas for November and December, as we all celebrate this gift of life from above:
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Include him in your shopping lists, giving him things to “hunt for” while you’re out.
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Consider making something together for friends, as gifts. Like homemade trail mix or salsa!
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Find at least two big outings to attend. It can be inexpensive like a holiday show put on by high school students, to a full blown show at a big auditorium. Dress up!
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Light those candles on your tables, play the Christmas music, and dance. Do this often.
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Make an evening out of fast food holiday treats from Starbucks or DQ or other places with holiday drinks or specials.
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Find a festival or market and go out for breakfast, then hit the markets. Then end the day with a holiday movie.
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Go ahead and plan New Year’s Eve soon, so it will be on the calendar after Christmas is over and sadness sets in. Maybe a night away?
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Don’t decorate that tree alone. Put on music and do it together, and then head to a bookstore and chill with coffee and a book.
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Talk about expectations and schedules regarding family gatherings. Share honest feelings. Pray together about the angst. Don’t feel pressured to do it all. It’s okay to say no.
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Grab an advent book and do it together from December 1-24th – there are so many good ones.
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Fill your thermoses and bake cookies, and go on fall/winter walks as you observe creation and give thanks, together.
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Give to others, together. Volunteer, surprise someone with an unexpected gift, or handwrite some cards and mail them.
The possibilities are endless. But be intentional to make them happen. Maybe you have to be the one to make it happen and you resent it. Don’t. Pray for your husband. If he won’t budge, then do these things with a friend. And ask God to work on him. Enjoy yourself anyway. Tis the season for merriment and joy.