INNER STRENGTH â—½ YOU
It has haunted me for nearly eight years. Approximately a year before my mom passed away, she told me “Don’t do what I did.” I was 90% sure that she meant - don’t sacrifice health over the job - but I couldn’t be sure.
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I was a special education teacher at the time, like she had been for over 30 years. My mom’s day consisted of waking up around 4:30am and going to bed around midnight. She spent hours with special education paperwork on the dining room table and her laptop open. I had never met someone who put so much into not just their work, but their gift and calling. It makes sense that as a result, she won multiple awards for Teacher of the Year. She earned the upmost respect by the education community and especially by me. While living with my mom, she and I bonded over sharing stories from our day.
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Ever since she passed away, life has not been the same. Every teaching job I have had since then has been a struggle emotionally and physically. I keep asking myself, “Am I meant to still do this?” My mom said, “Don’t do what I did.”
I had physical and emotional signs that I was stressing over this question. My rheumatoid arthritis flared up so extreme that the weight of the swelling of my knee would be excruciating and sometimes make it unsafe for me to walk. I cried every time someone asked me, “Are you okay?” While grieving is normal and healthy, it was taking away from what I felt my calling was – teaching children with special needs. Or was it? That’s the thing. I couldn’t let go of the advice my mom gave me.
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Even though I didn’t pray about that specifically, God has given me the strength needed not to give up. I realized that I will never know exactly what my mom meant by what she said. I need to move on from trying to figure that out. I didn’t go into teaching because my mom was a teacher, so what I am called to do with my life now I will trust in my prayers, in God and the Holy Spirit to guide me.
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I felt very tired living with my mom and co-dependence issues came back when I stayed with her. As she got sick, I took care of her for over a year before she passed away. I didn’t know what I’d fill my life with after she passed. I still had my teaching and my kids, but it became harder to do the job the way I knew how. I told myself since she was gone, it just wasn’t the same…so maybe I’m not supposed to full time teach anymore.
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I recently had an epiphany. As I’ve sought help to heal from co-dependency and create healthier patterns, I can tell myself that I can let my mom go and create a professional life for myself based on my gifts and calling and do what God wills me to do, outside of what life was in the past or what someone said. This has been a process over years, so if you can relate to anything similar, please be patient with yourself. Also, know that God created you special. Cling to the Lord. He won’t steer you wrong. Yes, it takes a lot of strength. As you read this article, I hope it empowers you and I pray my story brings you closer to God, and you too find greater peace.
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If I can do it, so can you!