AFTER 40 YEARS ◽ MARRIAGE
Hold Them
by Marcy Lytle
It’s funny and odd how soon little bitty kids push away their parent’s hand when the parent tries to hold their child and keep them safe. The child wants to do everything alone, at such an early stage, and also just has the independent “streak” as soon as they can walk! And that attitude seeps its way into marriage over time as well…and here’s how…
Holding our spouse’s hand is something we can’t wait to do in the beginning. We grab his hand and he grabs ours and we hold it constantly as we walk and talk, and sit and watch movies, and everywhere we go because we’re so “in love.” But it really doesn’t take long before we have a disagreement or disappointment and the first thing we do is let go and push away that hand we loved to hold.
I think that’s one of the things I miss the most, now that Jon is gone. Holding his hand. I remember I fell in love with what I called his “tubby” hands when we were dating. They were strong hands, he had working hands, and yet they always felt comfortable and smelled great. I don’t even know how his hands always smelled so good, but they did! And sometimes now, when I’m driving alone, I reach up as if to grab his hand because I want to hold it so much. Sigh…
There’s something special about holding hands. I read that it triggers biological hormones. And I’ve also read that holding hands can be even more intimate than sex, as it’s reaching out to connect, to commit, to show the world “he’s mine” or “she’s it” as we sit close and intertwine our fingers together.
When Camp, now almost 4 years old, reaches up to hold my hand when we’re walking my heart melts. And I know that when he’s older that hand will hold another. So I hold it close and tight for now. When my son reached out to hold my hand when his dad passed, I felt a connection I needed. I needed it so badly. Holding hands creates trust…for sure.
I recall that when we fought or disagreed, I didn’t want to hold Jon’s hand, as we all do when we push the other one away. But wow, when we made up and that hand held mine once again, there was nothing sweeter. Have you too experienced this? It’s just in our human nature to pull away or push away from the time we’re little, when we want to prove we’re right or don’t need anyone or want to be independent. And thankfully, parents grabbed our hands anyway, to keep us out of harm’s way.
I’d give anything to hold Jon’s hand today. Maybe you’re aggravated or holding hands isn’t really the intimacy of the day for you and yours at the moment, because of life or anger or hurt. I get it. But sometimes...just reaching out anyway is the act that breaks the walls…and connects us once again.
We were not made to be independent. From him or Him.
We were made for hand holding. God often reminds us in scripture that his hands hold us firm.
We need the reminder that we’re a team, and teams work together, not apart.
We need the physical and emotional connection daily, as it lowers stress and brings peace.
Jon reached out for my hand all the time, especially at the movies. He reached for my hand when we were walking. He held my hand when we were in the car, and everywhere we went. He was a hand-holding guy…even until his last breath…as he reached for anyone near.
I think that’s why I loved his hands, because they were always open to me, even when I pushed away due to irritation. He still loved me, in my toddler fit mode, as a grown woman. He tolerated my emotions and held me anyway. And so does God, I’m learning every day, as I reach for His hand and grab hold. And he never pushes me away…