AFTER 40 YEARS ◽ MARRIAGE
The Benificiary
by Marcy Lytle
It seems odd to still be writing my marriage column, when my husband has now been gone four months. Hard to believe, and it still hurts…deeply. I’m sure it always will. However, as long as I have stories to share about this man that loved me so well, I’ll keep going. This month I’m realizing the benefits that are mine, even though he’s no longer here…
When my parents passed, we kids received the benefits left us by our parents in lots of ways. They left us an inheritance, we had their house and the items in it, and of course had the heritage of faith and any other good things our parents possessed…just because we bore their name and belonged to them.
When Jon left this earth (still hard for me to believe he’s gone), I had to also go through the process of receiving the benefits that were mine because we were married. And over these past few months, the paperwork has now been processed, and all the monies and funds are settled and I receive them monthly. Such a blessing!
In addition to physical benefits, I’m realizing that Jon also deposited so many things into my spirit and soul and mind that are mine – mine!
At first, I felt completely lost because Jon was my rock, both spiritually and mentally. He could call me back to life when my mind soared off in a million destructive directions. He could calm my wounded spirit and remind me of God’s unconditional love and acceptance for who I am. And when life was chaotic, he could note the beauty of a leaf, and call me to wonder at creation with him.
So when he was no longer by my side, fear crept in that I was going to end in disaster without my right arm, the love of my life, and the holder of my hand. And it’s been hard…to say the least.
But I have been reminded that I’m the beneficiary of not only the funds, but the faith that Jon deposited into our “joint account” because we were one. I’m believing and expecting that those benefits are now mine, and I can draw them out as needed.
Jon was a gift to me. A true gift. And his contentment and unwavering faith made him my resource of help, which are both still available to me – because I bear his name. That makes total sense to me! I don’t know how it will show up, but I am hoping for daily withdrawals from this huge account that Jon left for me in my heart, soul and mind. This gift from God, my husband, who knew God in a simplistic way that brought joy to our lives.
I’ve fumbled, stumbled, cried and sobbed, because I want Jon here by my side. But I’m believing that what he deposited in me is there…deep and wide…and it will surface. A friend told me that there’s a spring of life way beneath the brooding sea of sorrow, and that spring is still bubbling. And I know that there’s truth and joy I experienced with Jon that is mine…mine…forever…even though he’s not physically here to remind me.
We are all beneficiaries of our husbands and what they bring to our marriage. And if we don’t have a husband yet or even if our husbands seemingly give nothing to us…I’m learning that the promise that our Maker is our husband also gives us the benefits of life that we need to not just survive…but thrive.
What a thought…