COUSIN MOMS ◽ TIPS
Mom of Three
If I’m being honest, date nights – going out – are few and far between. We were in a season for a long while where we really didn’t want to leave the kids, because free nights were few, and we wanted to include them. Date nights are definitely important, but there is also a balance. For us, we do a good job of connecting on a daily basis – at night when the kids are asleep we chat and talk. Other times, we get a random night when kids are at a sports practice or with grandparents. This past season, while the kids were in school, my husband and I had lunch together because we both work at home! I do know that having time with him, dating him, is important. But only “date night” connections every so often is not enough, and we also have a budget, but day-to-day connections work as well.
It’s the day to day connections where we chat and spend time over coffee, or even a ride in the car to pick up the kids, that works for us! Our date nights don’t have to be big or fancy or every week. They can be a simple lunch or a shopping excursion to pick out wood floors for the house!
When we do have a designated date night, we often stay in (to save money). We watch a show we enjoy together, and have dinner at home, and make it cozy. If we do go out, it’s a coffee date for sure – and sometimes bowling! Our love language is coffee, and we sometimes play a game. We don’t visit the theater a lot, because we watch enough shows at home. We like to go somewhere that we can talk and do something, or even just walk around!
Sometimes we plan our dates nights together, or sometimes we surprise each other – especially on birthdays.
So both – date nights out and daily connections – are a great balance for us! I’ve been so grateful for this season. Finding time with toddlers is hard, but now that the kids are in school we have more time. We also love to serve together, and call that connection, because we are super compatible that way!
Friends or Foes?
by Charissa & Kamrin
Siblings aren’t always close friends just because they belong to the same parents or family! And sometimes the fights between siblings are just the worst! We asked the Cousin Moms to share their frustrations and tactics on how to deal with sibling rivalry and fights, among brothers and sisters of all ages. Feel free to chime in with your comments at the end.
Kamrin
Our three kids are pretty close in age, the two oldest are 17 months apart, and the youngest is 2 years younger than his sister. And of course, they do fight! With the boys, there is a lot of competition in athletics and academics. They can boss each other around to show that they are better than the other person. But they can push each other to grow by working out and doing sports together. And I think they are best friends, but they would never say that! But then again they do need their space.
As the boys have gotten older, sometimes the youngest goes off to play video games, or the oldest says he wants to chill. We don’t really send them to their rooms now, when they do fight…except sometimes. One time when they were small, they were in their rooms apart, and they had these dartboards. We could hear them fighting about who could win on their boards…yelling through their doors!
We often have conversations and ask questions like, “Was that necessary?” We also sometimes wait and let them work it out and solve conflicts as they can. Once in a blue moon, the fight will turn personal and one may say a hurtful comment, and we step in. We talk about our hearts and understanding and compromise.
Our daughter spends a lot of time with friends and her own things, and she probably gets along best with her youngest brother, but not the older one, so much. They also compete and he might say something bossy, and she doesn’t like it. And they do not understand each other…girl/boy stuff. They are quicker to “throw stones” and hurt each other.
We recently talked about character and relationship with siblings, and biblical principles, and how they need to spend time together. Then we do see glimpses of that. He might see that her bag is heavy and he carries it for her and he supports her in her theater. She cheers the boys in their sports too, as she can. And sometimes, they all play a game together.
We don’t force them to hang out, as young teens, but we do have weekends where we have family time together. And we encourage them to do things together, and they do for the most part. But of course, they like to win and be the best!
When we discipline it’s usually taking away screen time or a phone, and requiring them to converse with each other. And listening to each other. All with a good heart…
Charissa
This topic hits close to home! Having three girls, there are lots of emotions that run from silly fights over a toy, or bigger fights because of something being said that was mean, or…jealousy! As parents, it’s hard to figure out how to discipline or go through this. The girls are sometimes best of friends and sometimes they don’t want to be with each other.
Some tactics we use are:
Taking away something that’s important like television, or a toy. For example, our older two were at each other all day over silly things from someone not sharing or “she took my apple” and maybe 10 minutes later, it’s a fight over songs and music. I had given time out and taken away things… The last straw was taking all of their dumplings (the most popular toy!) away and put them in the trash. They lost it and bawled. They apologized. We talked about respect, and how serious this is…when they don’t listen and do the right thing. After that, they responded and I put the dumplings away in the closet. This was a shocker to them, to cause a change in their actions.
I’ve even done something like, “Touch your noses together,” and when they do, the girls start laughing. So we all laugh and move on.
Sometimes we write out bible verses, even ones about sisterhood, or the fruit of the Spirit. We talk about what comes out of our mouths should bring joy, or we don’t need to say it. We pause and think before we speak, we ask if we are being patient, kind and full of self-control…
Other times, if the girls have been inside too much I’ll send them outside to run or figure things out, a physical exercise. This works!
And finally, quiet time or time out or sitting in their rooms separately, where they walk away and take time.
And of course, I too lose my patience and have to practice self-control and ask God for his help. It’s also helpful to talk to the girls afterwards, and move forward together.